So truth is three years ago, if you had asked me what PP meant, I probably would've laughed at you...thinking it meant literally peepee. Now, after two kids I know PP and PPD more importantly mean postpartum and postpartum depression. PPD is no joke....now let's take a moment to flash back to Kinsley's PP days.
With Kinsley, I breastfed. I breastfed exclusively for as long as my leave was, 6 weeks. Then she went to daycare. Immediately after going to daycare, she fell ill. She was put on amoxicillin. Booger wouldn't take the medicine out of a syringe so we mixed it with her bottle of breastmilk. After that, she longer cared to latch on to me...why would she? The bottle was quicker...So here I was now pumping at work and pumping at home. This is a lot of work for those that do not know....takes twice as long and essentially two people to feed her. Not to mention, the pump now had to follow me everywhere. AND took extra time out of my work schedule to accommodate pumping. O and Kins had to have warm milk, so this meant we took a bottle warmer EVERYWHERE with us. But alas, I did it, after several infections and pains, I exclusively pumped for her first year. It was what was best for her, right?
Looking back, looking back at especially those first 6-12 weeks of her life, I was miserable. ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE! Why? Cause she was like a third leg/boob per se, she always wanted to be attached to me. It was draining. And I got no sleep. Now, I wouldn't admit it cause geez depression...that's awful....but now, looking back- I had PPD. Bad. I resented my daughter at times cause she was so "needy". This is an awful thing for a mother to say, I'm an awful mom. No one tells you this side of motherhood- babies are just so cute...how could you think that. IT IS NORMAL! New moms, did you hear me? IT IS NORMAL! It is not easy, not at all. There will be times you just need a break...and that is OK. Now, let's flash forward.
Levi....Levi was born 9 lbs 2 oz. Did you hear me?!?! 9 POUNDS! I quickly learned this didn't just mean "ouch". Because he was over 9 pounds, he fell into a different medical category. He had special tests ran and everything. O and with a 9 pound baby, he likes to eat! I quickly learned that at the hospital. He would feed every 2 hours, for just about an hour to hour and a half. Okay, do that math...that meant at most, I was getting an hours sleep here and there. Now, I thought o he's a great latcher- latched on perfect the very first time. So why was he eating so much? Had to be his size. But I never "emptied". So this meant, I became engorged more and more. After 3 days, now at home, breastfeeding became more and more tiring. He was still hungry even after 1.5 hrs of eating, so we started some formula (just an ounce after latching). Well, then came his first ped appointment, sure enough, he's jaundice. So the ped recommended more formula cause it helps with jaundice. And after discussing with her more of his constant hunger, she suggested adding rice cereal to help fill him up. Ok....so this meant breastfeed, pump (to help me empty), and bottle feed? So when is it that I'm suppose to sleep?!? At this point, I was in some pain. So I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. Sure enough, not only did I have mastitis in both breasts (look it up if you don't know what it is), but I was also fighting an uterine infection. Mama was in pain! Which is crazy cause Kinsley phsyically did more "damage" to me then Levi even though Levi was 9 lbs. Recovery with Levi just was not easy....at all. So I was put on meds, but only a Z pack cause I was breastfeeding, they couldn't prescribe stronger drugs cause it would go to Levi as well.
Here comes PPD....I cried and cried for two days straight following this. I was in so much pain yet had a baby that needed me. I'm the mom that wants to go natural, wants the best for my baby. I HAD to breastfeed. After day one, I started thinking though....is this worth it? Do I want to go down that path again? I do not want to resent my child, I love my child. O and let's just "get past this", then what? THEN I have to look forward to pumping for a year? O yippee....It was then that I started talking to friends and Adam and decided that breastfeeding was just not in the plans for Levi. This was the hardest decision ever....I felt like a failure. How could I do this to my child?! Again, PPD....after some love from family members and close friends, I started to feel better and better about it. After all, if Mama isn't happy baby won't be happy. O and how true this became. After about 4 days of hell/engorgement, I grew to LOVE my baby boy. I LOVE feeding my baby. I LOVE that bond we have. And not to make it sound "better" but bottle feeding really is easier and definitely more convenient. Here's the bottom line....I will NEVER be one of those moms that judges another mom for formula feeding ever again (I used to be that way). Sometimes, it is more important that Mama is happy. Not to sound selfish but when Mama is happy, baby is happy and hubby is definitely happier. Babies can sense when there is tension or hostility and if you hate every minute of breastfeeding your baby- then don't do it. It is okay....your baby will be fine!
PPD is serious, if you think you have PPD, seek help. Don't be ashamed (as I was), it is normal. Take care of yourself- you are just as important as your baby!
